When we moved to Busselton, Australia, we bought a used 2006 sedan with 200,000+ kilometers. The brand was known for its dependability and the previous owner took good care of the vehicle, and most importantly, it was within our tight budget.

For the past 3 months, we were so busy getting settled in, we have neglected to wash the car. Thankfully our car is silver color, so it is pretty forgiving, but it desperately needed a good wash. Without the luxury of having a reasonably priced self-service car wash nearby, I decided (forced) to wash the car myself at home.

As I was scrubbing the car with a soapy sponge, I got to see the surface of the car closely. There was no shortage of blemishes all over the car. Some of them looked like scratches, while some looked like stains from dirt and deceased insects. I could not readily distinguish them. As a used car buyer, I expect scratches, but the hope is always to have as few as possible. Also, since buying the car back in July, we did a fair amount of driving, so I assumed while some of the scratches were inherited, some were made by us in the past 3 months.

As I started scrubbing the blemishes, some started disappearing while some stayed on. The blemishes I couldn’t scrub away were the scratches. Each time the blemishes were scrubbed off, I felt a tiny sense of relief. After I got through scrubbing the driver’s side, the accumulation of tiny senses of relief began adding up. By the end, there were more stains I was able to scrub off than scratches. I felt a genuine sense of relief, satisfaction, and accomplishment.

Before you roll your eyes, let me explain why I am making a big deal out of such mundane tasks like car washing.

Starting a business, establishing oneself in a new community, and building a network are arduous and painstaking. They do not typically come with immediate wins. They take time. It is so easy to lose focus, motivation, drive, and momentum. This early stage of hustle requires a lot of belief, confidence, discipline, and consistency. I have been struggling for the past 3 months with my hustle in Australia. I know this game, as I have been through it multiple times in my life. However, I am still a human and the inner voices of fear, insecurity, and doubt have been kicking in.

While I am in the long haul of getting my business established and building my network, I found a small win while washing my car. It’s a small win but it got me to focus on the task at hand, tune out the negative inner voices, and think deeply about how I can leverage the reflections towards my next decision, action, and overall effort.

That’s why I am talking about this mundane task.

Here are some reflections and realizations I gained while washing my car. I hope you find some value or at least some amusement out of them.

Scratches versus Stains:

While a simple visual inspection may not show the difference between scratches and stains, they present different consequences. The stains can be removed with some elbow grease. Depending on how long they were on the car, we may have to scrub harder and longer but it is still fairly simple to remove them. However, the scratches require additional steps involving advanced tools, time, costs, and/or professionals.

The stains are like the everyday stress from working with and for people. Regardless of how great the people and culture may be in any organization, due to the messy, organic, and dynamic nature of humans, a certain level of friction and stress are to be expected. This type of expected stress may be mitigated or relieved over a weekend. We can spend time with our loved ones, finding joy in our favorite activities, or relaxing by doing next to nothing.

The scratches cannot be fixed over a weekend, as they may represent traumatic, harmful, and toxic experiences we have endured over the years. This type of deeply rooted stress, harm, and fundamental friction to our personal brand values require additional steps involving advanced tools, time, costs, and/or professionals.

When the scratches on a car are ignored, rust may develop, requiring more extensive and costly fix, and decreasing the value of the car. When we ignore deeply rooted stress, harm, and fundamental friction to our personal brand values in our lives, we are grooming future liabilities. It’s especially dangerous when we disguise these deeply rooted issues as a typical, everyday type of stress. Some of us are groomed to believe that toxic and harmful experiences are simply a price to pay, or a rite of passage. Discomfort and scratchiness from thinking differently, learning new things, misunderstandings with coworkers, and pushing through uncertainty can bring a level of expected stress. However, prejudiced, discriminatory, vengeful, exclusionary, hateful, and fear-driven acts feel completely different. We should recognize and acknowledge them if and when they happen. These acts cut deep and the damage they cause can last for a long time. Don’t be fooled. No organization, team, people, or culture has the right to demand that we go through toxic and harmful experiences to belong. Rite of passage should not be easy, but it shouldn’t include hate and harm.

The worst is when those who are causing toxic and harmful experiences try to groom us to believe it is our fault and we deserve it. Sometimes they shine the spotlight on our reaction to what they did to us, shifting the focus on our reaction, away from having their toxic behaviors exposed. They would do everything they can to avoid owning their actions. Most often they would double down and come after you. They operate with the zero-sum mentality. They can’t win if we don’t lose. Do not let them devalue who you are and what you’re capable of. Remember, the deep scratches they cause us cannot be mended over a weekend. These scratches may require hard decisions, brave actions, and intentional focus on our wellbeing.

I invite you to consider the following questions:

• What self-leadership tools do I need to lead myself through resolving these scratches of deeply rooted issues?

• How much mental, emotional, physical, and relational costs am I accruing by not resolving these issues?

• What is the ultimate price of tolerating, ignoring, or dismissing these issues?

• How much time am I investing in resolving these issues?

• Have I sought guidance or assistance from therapists, coaches, programs, or classes to lead myself through resolving these issues?

I have spent too many weekends trying to recover from what I thought were stains of everyday stress, when they were deep scratches from toxic people, culture, and systemic processes. It’s no wonder that my battery was just as empty reporting to work on Monday morning as it was when I got off work on previous Friday afternoon.

I sincerely hope you are not misdiagnosing your scratches and stains. Dismantle the belief that you must pay a price to be you, to belong, and to do what you’re good at. Hard decisions are difficult for a reason, but your wellbeing is worth every bit of the difficulty. Isn’t it?

Just like my used car, I have accrued many kilometers/miles over the years. However, I am glad to know that I only have a few scratches and what I am struggling with at this moment are the stains of known and expected stress. I have intentionally made hard decisions, took brave actions, and prioritized my and my family’s wellbeing over the years, to fix existing and eliminate potential scratches in my life. It wasn’t easy but it sure was worth it.

Reach out if you are struggling with the scratches of life and considering making hard decisions. As someone who has gone through it multiple times, I am here to guide and assist you.